A Buddhist reflection on not-self and the experience of no controller revealing how kindness, sila, samadhi, and prajña arise on the path to freedom.
Over and over in the sutras Buddha reviews how we base a sense of a self on 5 heaps (a digestible way of describing all knowable phenomena) and then points out why a self cannot be found in any of the 5. For this to work, to be meaningful, one has to have a definition of ‘self,’ ie – just what is it that one cannot find in these aggregates? One of the primary points Buddha made is that the capacity to be in control of one’s life, one’s experience, is ascribed to self, but under inspection one finds a lack of control.
“Self” is such an abstraction. When I drop in the question “what is the experience of not self” and sit with it – there is no experiential shift. But when I drop in the question “what is the experience of no controller” – that has lead from one experience to another, also looping back to understandings of upekkha, sila, and samadhi. It is a gift which keeps on giving.
Delson (Delson Armstrong) recently mentioned that upekkha, the word which gets translated as “equanimity,” literally translates as “no expectations.” When the experience of no controller arises, upekkha is obvious – if one is not in control of outcomes then there is no reason to have expectations of the outcome. Also samadhi, translated as concentration – concentration is control, so how can control be a cornerstone of the path of freedom when there is no controller? When I think of Buddha’s story – his first 2 teachers’ guidance in concentration practice could only get him to an experience of neither perception nor non perception and he rejected that approach. Doesn’t make sense to me that he then went on to teach his students the very approach he found ineffective.
It is fairly easy to see how there is no controller in the ultimate sense – an “I can’t choose not to die” sort of level – but what about the moment to moment level? I can choose to change the temperature in the room, all I have to do is walk over to the thermostat and presto. Thinking about this reminded me of how Dr.Ruben Laukkonen, a neuroscientist and meditator, pointed out that sense perceptions are secondary, indirect. The contact of the senses may be a direct experience, but those contacts are all translated into electronic impulses and chemical reactions along nerve pathways which are then interpreted, assigned meaning – I suppose in the brain. Who/what is in control of that interpretation/assigning of meaning? I’m not at all conscious of an act of assigning meaning except in cases of recognizing illusions – like a blown leaf which I initially took to be a squirrel; in those instances I recognize a mistake was made in the meaning assigned. This points to a situation where ‘reality,’ the entirety of the world experienced by the senses – involves constant choices and they are not a choices made by what I think of as I/self, much like I have no sense of having, on the macro level, chosen to be born male, white, aspergian, American, etc, this points to: no controller on any level.
When I sit with the experience of no controller, what keeps arising is: ‘choosing kindness in every moment is everything,’ (well, those are the words I’m finding to describe the experience) It reminds me of when I first arrived to Kopan Monastery in 1977. I sat the annual one month Buddhism 101 November retreat. I’d learned to be a very skillful note taker as an undergrad and at Kopan I took lots of notes so I could review until I understood what was being taught and could ask informed questions about what I did not understand. Every day Lama Zopa would go on and on about something (oh my he could be tedious!) and always, always would eventually bring the ramblings to their conclusion. I’d get all excited, pen poised and ready, “finally, we’re getting to the point,” and he’d say “the great Bodhicitta.” This went on day after day after day and I got to thinking “pfft yeah, yeah, the great bodhicitta again, how about we move on to another topic?” Until one day it dawned on me: he is saying there isn’tsomething else or perhaps that this is the key to everything else.
That is how I’m understanding why contemplating no controller consistently leads to ‘always only choose kindness’ (I find I always need to simplify if I hope to find meaning, “Loving Kindness” doesn’t sing for me, love has soooo many contradictory meanings assigned to it, but kindess is uncomplicated and easily enfolds patience, generosity, forgiveness, all the qualities which lift my heart) – perhaps there isn’t something else or kindness is the key to everything else. I reason it is because it is these choices, these moment by moment choices are the causes which later arise as the effects which guide how contact is interpreted/assigned meaning, nothing personal, but kindness is the cause which leads to the effect of being able to experience and follow the path of freedom. Delson also mentioned that sila, which is usually translated as ethics or morality, literally translates as “foundation.” Ethics and morality, although theoretically admirable qualities – for me those words trigger an archetypal image of a dry, rigid and self righteous person who judges others as inferior in their practice of ethics/morality but who suffers terribly from lack of any kindness. It is a painful image which arises from those terms. This is why I’ve come to think sila, the foundation of the path, is better understood as ‘kindness.’ So Kindness, Collectedness, No Controller helps me understand Sila, Samadhi, Prajña. This is ever so helpful.
-John Douthitt, Davis California, January 20, 2026
